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I’m Back!!

March 22, 2014

I’m back with questions answered. My last page made me sad. I was so alone at the time, but I’ve figured myself out a lot more now. 🙂

I suddenly remembering the sheer feeling of helplessness and sadness that controlled my life at the time. I’m glad I moved and removed all that suffering.

I was typing on a tablet. Don’t judge the frequent mistakes. I’m surprised because some of these concepts, I didn’t understand yet I wrote because I felt like it. It’s really sad because I was really sad. All alone. Worst still, my step-dad had started to call me autistic because I refused to listen to him because his narcissism was life draining. I remember looking autism up, trying to tell if his words were true, almost horrified. I didn’t know where to turn, who to talk to. (I had absolutely no one.) I would cradle myself in my bed after school and cry nearly every night. Worst still, my relatives accused me of selfishness. They thought my mission was to get attention from everyone. Because I endure most of my sad moments and major discoveries in secret, I get yelled at frequently and accused of many malice which I felt betrayed to be accused of.

They didn’t understand that I was alone, condemned. I didn’t know what I should do. One of my hobbies was sitting outside with my big black dog alone (I had so much discussions with that dog that I swore she understood most of my words by tone and key words. Animals get really clever when you talk to them enough.) , the only place I felt could possible understand me. I didn’t even understand myself. At night, I would scoot my bed close to the window and beg to the moon,

“Please let me have an adventure,

Please send me a mentor,

Please show me the way,

Please give me a friend who thinks like me,

Please show me what to do with my ambition.”

I would plead with every ounce in my heart. I knew that I didn’t belong where I was and that got me restless. I knew that I would waste away, my abilities wasted, my passion eroded from trace.

I’m weird. I’ve even questioned my humanity at the time. I felt nothing like anyone else in any degree. I knew too much, dreamed too passionately, wondered too much, had the morality far beyond my age, and couldn’t even talk nonetheless. What did that make me?

And what does that make me now?

I will need to continue to think about that.

                         Finally I have an answer: I might be profoundly gifted. It makes sense in several ways that span across my lifetime. I just really want to know the absolute truth. I want someone to confirm this theory so I won’t feel so selfish about it.

I don’t like praising myself. I like the motions of my work, not the rewards, so believe me when this is a proposal of not self-adoration, but of disparity in which the root of all my emotions cry out: Is this why I’ve been suffering this long?

On a positive note, if it is, then I can work with it. I can continue to build myself from ruins and help others in the process. I can define myself pleasurable as a leader. (How would I dare declare myself a leader before if I’ve been condemned for my activities and am not sure of my own abilities and self-worth?)

Even if you don’t know, and I’m on my own in the matter except for a series of internet websites that have caught my hopes up in a stir, I just think I need to tell somebody.

Sorry if I seem ‘over dramatic’. I feel this fiercely about this topic and I’m doubted often.

I’ve always noticed that there’s a line. A mental line that I can only cross when I understood myself and the boundaries of my environment to call upon. The line, once crossed, involves being myself. I’m wound so tightly, trying to cover my true nature so much that it used to hurt me.

I live for others. I’m clear-headed. I have the urge to give advice and suggestions often. I can see into people and read them like an open book, switching my perspective to match them unless I deem them wrong, then I declare my frank disagreements. I’m passionate about just about everything I do. I admire things around me out loud and question everything all the time. I’m extremely tolerant. I don’t like being still for long. When I’m not absolutely devoted, I’m absolutely exhausted and tell jokes to pass the time. I never can have one answer for anything. (I list things off.) I will stand up for myself and do whatever I want, and sometimes that attracts a following that I shrug to and respond, “That’s fine. Come with me!” (When I talked to kids outside of school that was the trend.)

I really like where I’ve come now atleast and I’m happy.

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