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March 27, 2014

Being me, I have always been silent in school. I’ve had selective mustism all my school career, but I’ve never felt anxious, just out of the loop from my peers around me.

I’ve hidden myself at all costs in school. I’ve been called melodramatic by my relatives, and have a constant love of movement that’s unquenchable but perfectly controllable. I love to think constantly and indulge in all my senses. I’ve always imagined endlessly whenever I had time, and I have perfect amount of introversion and self control to handle it all. I’m also an extreme perfectionist (Or at least I have the impulse to do so. I don’t listen to my own nature sometimes. One of the benefits of introversion.). I see more then I should all the time.   I just never talked in school.

But does that mean that I have all the overexcitabilities, or gifted over responsiveness to stimuli and motion? It seems that way. And now, now that I’m finally brave enough to step out of my shell, this is pouring over me. It’s kinda messing with me lately, but I know I can handle it.

I understand that many people view this as a selfish self indulging discussion, but sometimes it’s like a curse. I don’t get along with anyone well because I struggle with what to say, I often think myself to exhaustion, I see too much in everything, often times more then I want to, and over react to just about everything.

Although there are clearly are benefits to the situation, it doesn’t excuse the fact that there’s a certain amount of suffering involved, and this worsens because of bad lifestyle and misinterpretations.

If a person has these qualities in an unsuitable environment the result is often ridicule, misinterpretation, doubled relative jealousy that leads to in home bulling, extreme feelings of being out of place. (Especially if your parents don’t care or expect you to be smart. My parents are survivalists, not intellect seekers.) and especially isolation. It’s like there’s a one way mirror wall that everybody looks through, but they can only guess what’s on the other side. Meanwhile, I can see both myself in the reflection and others through the glass. How do you explain that to others without getting the wrong idea through? I’ve always found that difficult.

Now I’m done venting. I’m way to optimistic to continue any longer. I’ll finish this with a lovely wish for all your days to be wonderful.

Have a great day/night!


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