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What Next?

April 1, 2014

                I have a problem. I do not have good communication in school, which is sort of a vital aspect for success, for me at least. I have a rather loud nature and I like to be recognized when I do tend to speak, however, I haven’t become acquainted with my external self because I’ve been locked up inside for what? eight years? 

             Normally this duration of habit making is set in stone for most people. Many people have told me to start living with acceptance that I’ll never be an extrovert. My quiet mask stops me from laughing manically, and taking that as a bet, a challenge above all others! I have a certain amount of contained energy inside me that is released for that purpose. It builds in my chest and explodes mostly when I’m listening to music, then it steams around me, making my cheeks feel tazed, and my hair on end.

                  When I listen to music, my soul ignites awesomely. Suddenly a cover of energy surrounds me, swirling, exploding with slightest control, blasting into the sky, I form it into a bell and ring it, I let it sail around the room like wind, a feeling of the greatest righteousness, the best feeling of admiration and power. It makes me want to throw my head in the air, and decree my absolute devotion of life; a furious sort of passion.

           Anyway, I have to return to logic, because I don’t believe in overextended indulgence. I have to increase communication. 

               Maybe I should just say whatever’s on my mind, but then I’d be saying some weird things. It seems like most of the things I think about rubs the other way from culture, and some people surely aren’t thrilled to hear that from a small girl with a brave heart. 

         It brings about another point: Should I care what people think about me? It brings forth the timely-dominate question of mine of completion of self vs. the completion of others. Should I abandon my ties to what people expect of me, or keep myself tightly knit under others, fixing my opinions with skill and influencing the ones around me simply put. I already know I don’t possess the ability to be normal. That’s probably why my selective mustism persisted for so long. I’ll just have to fight my way.

                Which means I need backup: A structure, a collection of companions. I come on strong with people I do talk to. I want to be on your side, that’s it. No questions. However, I don’t have the ability to be friends with everyone and most likely that’s life draining because I am indeed an introvert. (I can’t hide that.) However I do love some companions.

           People question my antics way too much. I have a drive to do strange things, I’m sorry and lets continue living our lives, shall we? (Directs other person away and continues weird activity.)

           Likewise, when I’m doing something, I have revelations every five seconds, which means I exclaim a lot. Its a rate of one every minute on average when I actually do something. (My quiet act causes me to not try much.) I have never been stumped by any creative endeavor as long as I have the ability to be foolish and try silly things. If someones gives me a structure I’ll glare at them and try to figure out how their mind works before trudging along and giving them what they want in their limited perspective.  

                  With this knowledge, I’m aware that I might have to renounce my limitations and destroy the anxiety that binds me to be like everyone else. I’ll have to surprise my peers with a miracle.

            However, I whine, I do not like attention. I don’t want to create a stir.  I like being mysterious in nature. I play with people. 

              Therefore I conclude that my next role is movement therapy on myself. I need to stop being so stiff and move the way I want. May that be exaggerated expressions, awkward and clumsy movement around, and complete oblivious innocence of my actions which are actually deliberately planned.

                      Hope this works!  

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