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April 19, 2014

So I’ve completely mastered the ideas I had before, and I’m moving onto more advanced subjects. (Expect that.)

I’ve solved all my confidence problems- this morning actually. It was terrific, I acknowledged my childish side, the thing I lost in efforts to succeed, and discovered that I’d obliterated a certain part of myself that I needed- It’s hard to explain, but it’s my crazy need to learn intrinsically for my own benefit. I’m also learning Spanish. 🙂

Sometimes I think I grow mentally too fast, but there’s nothing to do but enjoy it. Those concepts I thought before, I don’t even have to process them anymore. They’re like logic. Which means the solution has probably been made, and I feel too above it to consider it without feeling degraded. I’ll come back to them sooner or later. Here’s a hint to my madness- I don’t make absolute opinions, I drift from several perspectives, and I flip ideas often. I think I’m the rare sort of person where if I complain, ‘I don’t understand’ its perfectly fine to answer, ‘Its all in your head.’.

Here’s the writing I wrote while making the discovery:

“Secret dreams of the governing of a child.

Powerful observances meant to develop

It should, but they were lost

With that, character

It roots back from mingling with others

Which, by history shown, doesn’t work too well,

But perhaps I was deprived and influenced by my dreams

Or perhaps those dreams were pumped with life and savory.

Elegance promised, sophistication brooded,

Replaced with doubt, and promises of nothingness

I wasn’t watered towards that inclination

Or perhaps I’m on the right path.

Now that is past, a method of thought to be patched upon my own,

Squared away an idea, not matched to the connected world.

Hivemind avoided, swinging self respect wisely,

Can the world be a happy dream?

I disagree. Yet a small amount runs the system,

A big amount overpowers the thing.

I have turned to none, and now I’m frozen.

So, absolutely, there’s got to be more.

I don’t want to know everything.

I don’t want to be normal.

And with pure emotion:

Shock you.


Identity. That’s a strange burden for me. I still feel like an imposter, and I don’t want to be the best, but I don’t want to fade to nothing in a small amount of time either.


Anyway, the true accomplishment of my search for identity is discovering what part of myself I lost. Oh, that’s right, maybe I lost my whimsical network.


Deeper meaning:            Life. Energy.Worth.More.


My new life goal: To enrich others

I want to be wrong, to be criticized. It shapes the truth.


Ideas are reinforced by experience, improved by imagination, dissolved by transitions, and polished with style.

All mental concepts soak and begin to fade or adapt to our current theories. Ideas are along for the developing journey we travel.

How do we suddenly adapt to an idea. How does it become a belief?

Maybe it is a greenlight of unfinished concepts suddenly solved. The euphoria implied. The well-being as a result of a species.

After studying Spanish, I’ve realized I dislike looking down. Debajo.


   Oh, that makes sense- I’m a literary genius. Explains everything. Not that its a surprise…

It requires a certain amount of privacy to be me, when I chuckle and pretend to be alone.

However, is that ok?

To play around?

It seems childish. But a genius may be childish.

It’s like proposing to be connected to the world, but filtered through a naive mind.

Our, simply, I can devise a path sculpted in chambers of my head. Some shine crystal blue, others a deep red. And with markings experiment once again, but not in a scientific way, a friendly way.

But what is the meaning of friendship! I want to find out!

By the way- its not becoming a child, it’s adding on.

Will be comprehend the things around us just for the reputation, or the experience and enhancements that develop us into better people?

By reputation, when you read a book, do you think of others? Do you think in a style of, ‘I must’s’ and ‘I like the idea because it has been produced’, like similar to an outcoming ipod? Do you think, ‘Reading this will make me a better person’ or ‘By reading this I will viewed better by others.’

When I freak out, I’m not exactly freaking out in the sense of neurosis, I’m isolating and identifying the reason behind the ‘freak out’ cause.

            The long-road to recovery.

Sometimes I have to wave goodbye to intricate mental functioning, open the door out, and become extroverted until I need to grab an artifact to play around with.

Fear of becoming stupid. – Invalid.

Powerful mindsets- I feel raw experiencing them. Nobody else feels the to the range I do, so when I feel them, powerful. No one feels the same, so I’m scared of being prosecuted.

Therefore, I feel wounded around others for that reason, and I sterilized myself by ignoring, but that passion still is within me.

And that passion is mine.

And frankly, I don’t know what is wrong and right.

And misinterpretations are known to run deep, not just within a person, but also within yourself. Budding Flower Blooming.

I feel like I’m going through some unique mental cleansing. The weird thing is I knew. I knew that there was something when I was smaller. And it’s sad. It’s like putting a hot rod next to my soul. Extracting energy. That energy increasing as the pain passes and the rod’s pulled away.

Is there something that gains even more energy as you take it away?

What a weird ability. Its not easily explained. It doesn’t fit into the margin.  Its like a dream. And now I’m just going to have to back up. Because perhaps I can’t stay within this mindset too long. But atleast I understand myself a little bit more, and I can construct what I have lost.

I need discipline.


I only hope this isn’t the end to my search, as to that I feel the way I did when I fell into a pool and had to break the ice with my hand to jump out.

Where was I before? Mental set wise.”


It’s choppy, but I still love it. Anyway, hope y’all are having a good day!


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