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Quick Message of Effort

Everyone struggles in this world. I am no exception. Pain awaits outside my shell. That’s what I know.

I rinse myself in pain, but I won’t back down. I will struggle profusely and show myself as a fool at first, but at least I’ll be known.

And if I break, my shell blown back, I’ll use my hands to move what I can. And I’ll speak with my voice, and the messages I often discredit.

Cause sometimes spoken words are more effective in changing lives for the better. How many more lives can I touch?


The Meaning of Life is Different For Everyone

But I’ve already gotten it figured out.

My goal in life is to be an exemplary member of society, to be fit and very smart with all integrity and graceful tolerance through thick and thin. I also want to learn and experience everything I can manage. I want to understand everything at a different level and embrace my uniqueness to offer something never seen before.However, most of all, I want to help and heal people in some way.  


A creed I wrote a while ago:

Things to do

1.Stress communication

2.Live up to skills and potential

3.Betterment of all members

4.Balance situations, become mediators

5.Inner values, outer benefits to society.

6.Spiritual well being

7.Independence and tolerance


Intelligence Plan

Note: I have the ability to know what part of my head I’m working and stimulate it more then usual using metacognition and introspection.  Its a strong skill, but its not fast and is hardly effective unless I improve it. Lately I’ve been devising methods to ‘tap’ into that skill so I can match my fast thoughts with my learning capability. It requires a lot of independence however.


I have an attention problem. I don’t know where to start my immediate focus, because I fear the world may eat me while I’m waiting. Perhaps its a mixture of impatience, and unease.

Its like finding a happy place to start. Numbers stay in ‘that’ area. Don’t disturb me. Again, the expectation. I modeled myself off impatient and dismissive peers. Therefore, when someone’s subconsciously threatening me I cast them aside. That is a faulty idea because It’s ok to be bombarded with ideas from all topics. Let math and patterns have their fun. Just learn it all. They are all weapons at my approval.

I think exactness is needed however, and that’s the part of my intellect I’ll have to target.

Sometimes its hard because being ‘smart’ is always referred to as immediate and permanent. If you don’t have it, then you don’t have it. I argue that I ‘do’ have ‘it’ but ‘it’ is complicated as with everything else about the brain. The school method is merely a method and some people excel at that.

I’ll give you the full answer and more in about a week, when I assess the structure, find the dominant meaning in the vocabulary, search patterns at my own pace, and create a new concept to confuse you with.


Of topic- I think I may be a line reader. My mind accepts lines like trees over every other. Perhaps that’s why I skip over material sometimes. I’ll work with that.


Everything is irresistible. I’ve just been taught not to spoil myself, ergo my reluctance to interact.

Floating on my back through a river, watching several routine scenes.Seasons. Days.

Joyful nuances. Heavy noises.


Attention spans matter in youth. They stay on one topic half the day. Proving themselves.

Sometimes I have to wave goodbye to intricate mental functioning, open the door out, and become extroverted until I need to grab an artifact to play around with.

Fear of becoming stupid. – Invalid.

Powerful mindsets- I feel raw experiencing them.

Therefore, I feel wounded around others for that reason, and I sterilized myself by ignoring, but that passion still is within me.

And that passion is mine.

And frankly, I don’t know what is wrong and right.

And misinterpretations are known to run deep, not just within a person, but also within yourself. Budding Flower Blooming.

I feel like I’m going through some unique mental cleansing. The weird thing is I knew. I knew that there was something when I was smaller. And it’s sad. It’s like putting a hot rod next to my soul. Extracting energy. That energy increasing as the pain passes and the rod’s pulled away.

Is there something that gains even more energy as you take it away?

What a weird ability. Its not easily explained. It doesn’t fit into the margin.  Its like a dream. And now I’m just going to have to back up. Because perhaps I can’t stay within this mindset too long. But atleast I understand myself a little bit more, and I can construct what I have lost.

                     I need discipline.

Heart= a passion for an activity, motivation to do so beyond all cost

Just because others do not share your belief, and seek knowledge merely for some unknown reason intended for reasons supposed negative, doesn’t mean that they themselves claim that knowledge. You can still pursue kindly.

If others put structure over content, then put as much structure required. And add content.


Don’t let the past bear down on you. Doesn’t matter.


All my life, I’ve been scared to start. When I was a kid, I’d be afraid to roll until I committed the act, then I did it with fluid accuracy over and over again until I was excellent and I loved every minute of it. When stepping into cold water,  I would worry at the edge, until I entered and spent hours testing my limits within the pool, and later refusing to step out for any reason but an approaching storm.

But that is a cycle that follows me to adulthood. It seems that I am petrified by uncertainty. But I feel it dives deeper than that, and it is a mental spasm, or flaw, that curses me worst than any of my noticable, acceptable flaws.

Lets disciper the reasoning for this. When I experience this emotion, which is more habit, the tension of muscles, the collapse of my instinctive warning. It isn’t a thing of modern mental achievement. Primal, it lurks within the codes of what it means to be me. Even now, as I attempt to explain, the feeling unravels its coils within me, uncomfortable in every way.

It is a crude thing, the shudder that keeps me from testing my limits with joy, the private worry I refuse to show to my environment. Is this true fear? The pure kind that moved ancestors? It’s dense, unlike normal anxiety.

So, if this impulse that guards against all other impulses is a factor that contributes to my introverted nature, then it seems this factor runs clean and sharp to the soul.

But, in fact, with all glamor I know to be on the other side, it causes all of my misery.

But I will not give in. In doing so, I will have to face all the high members around me with total confidence. I will have to expose my intricate design to others, and be totally at ease with it.

Perhaps I do not trust the ones I wish to share my ideas with, maybe, somewhere inside me, I wish to hate others. That feels wrong to admit an hidden douse of disgust within my happy nature.

Or, as learned valuably while in a theater lessons, You must be vulnerable  and strong.


Of course I have discovered with meditation that I must search deeper to locate my sensitive side, and work with that. But once open, pain and hurt seeps around me. I don’t know where to turn at the moment.

Unless I take the reign and construct myself once again, I will develop and craft myself to be a better person furthermore.

I may have to be more impulsive. Develop a method of when to think and when to just act. Therefore, I will enter a period of my life to praise my extroverted side until my habits reverse, then with subtlety I will turn back to my dear thoughts.

With that I must stop writing for now.


Loyalty and Patience May be 100% Blind

They say its a series of gifts,

A group of splendid promises.

But, naturally, I don’t know what that means.

I’ve suffered very long enough,

To know far beyond the basics of myself,

And all the moralistic choices,

And where my heart lies most of all.

For cunning grows sharp from despair,


If you know how to handle everything

And awareness frames the vision,

I am lost among the crowd,


 Grace comes,

 Nobility retreats,

 Creativity sits with me,

She suggests all these splendid plans,

The ones I never seem to use.


 I commit to being brave,

 To join the courageous few,

 But all these shadows that were their curse,

I can’t seem to shake my worst.

 It lingers, I know it does.

And I can’t help it, it always was.

But I can stop this, I know how.

But my breathing patterns, don’t match the rest.

  So I’m lost to the others, and found in myself

 Accused of something, what I do not possess.


 Am I worthless?

  I’m not, I have so much to offer.

I know how things go, I always have,

and all these labels, stretched across my back,

  With no one close, it harder to relax,

Ad feel the warm bursts of something he has.

  Just someone to talk,

 About the images that play in my mind,

   And all the wonderful little discoveries,

 That cloud my kind,

Away from all the tampered things,

     It needs an explanation.

   I know I’m better than it.

    I am truly so patient,

   And my loyalty towards sanity are tight,

   Then why do I feel so blind?


Math is like wrestling snakes. Snakes are vile demons!


You know, all my math teachers never gave an introduction to important pieces of math. They just threw them in there for me to wonder. As if the elementary and middle school teachers themselves disrespected the concept of math.  I wonder what would have happened if I had been formally introduced, just as I was to science and writing. My math and music teachers despised me. Notice the trend?


    Excuse me as I hold my head, because now I’ve got to sort through a stack of faulty presumptions acquired about the subject.

                   I’ve cut the tight binds, and as if a current of negative electricity were inside, they flicker and wave around like dying snakes. Maybe the current will pour out and become another being of interest. Not an animal- an inspiration. Can I catch inspiration with a finely filtered net? Can I round it all together and shake its hand before it takes its efforts to swallow me?

             Emotional expression at its best. Can I befriend math? Accept it. But I fear I may have to wound it at a later period. Why is that even a fear? It’s irrational. I’m getting rid of it.

      Great, now maths a solid, like moving rocks around. Maybe its the elements of both. Yes, I’ll accept it as such. Whenever its needed, it will shape.

       Math is a shape shifter. With graphs, practice, numbers, symbols, variables, functions, shapes, lines, brokenness- all thrown together.

           Awesome. Now I want to admire it. Wait, that’s bad. I can’t get cozy. I want to master it! Yes, that’s the word I’m looking for.

               Does that mean math’s a noble wild creature? I should admire, chart its properties and bask in its presence.

         Nope, maths man-made. Makes it seem dirty. Who determined what was right to consider and what is wrong. These rules. I respect yet I hesitate.

           I feel like approaching math, I tempt a very angry animal. One that twiddles numbers and wouldn’t like my presence, wouldn’t hesitate to throw me to the side. A demon. A snake demon.

       So should I fight it? Should  wreak havoc? Outsmart what I should not be able to? But it feels so rash.

            Wow, look at all these layers of math I created. Too much. Math is math. Paper, pencil. A puzzle. A find. A passion. A light.

      And I’ll decode all of its pattern and system. No matter what logic calls. I’m above all hesitance. I have to be. Onwards!